


Introspection

by Swiftrunner



Series: Fate/Queer Order (Or: The Tamamo Knot Chronicles) [4]
Category: Fate/Grand Order, Fate/stay night & Related Fandoms
Genre: Cuddling & Snuggling, Fluff, Other, Pining, Platonic Cuddling, Platonic Relationships
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-15
Updated: 2021-02-15
Packaged: 2021-03-16 13:28:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,333
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29454552
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Swiftrunner/pseuds/Swiftrunner
Summary: Something about her newest Saber, Chevalier d'Eon, confuses Fujimaru Ritsuka.  Answering why will lead her to many more revelations about herself than she expected.
Relationships: Chevalier d'Eon | Saber & Female Fujimaru Ritsuka, Female Fujimaru Ritsuka/Mash Kyrielight | Shielder
Series: Fate/Queer Order (Or: The Tamamo Knot Chronicles) [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2139612
Comments: 4
Kudos: 10





	Introspection

Fujimaru Ritsuka, the "Last Master of Humanity", sat in her room. It had been a day since the Orleans singularity had been solved, the Holy Grail within it retrieved from the clutches of a twisted alternate Jeanne d'Arc, conjured forth by the wish of the madman Gilles de Rais. Ritsuka had returned, along with Mash Kyrielight, and after a quick debriefing and a well-earned night's rest, the now traditional post-Singularity summoning rituals were completed. For as Ritsuka moved through a singularity, forging temporary contracts and fighting various enemies, bonds were forged between her and these Heroic Spirits - and as such, once she returned to Chaldea, those bonds could be tugged, and new Servants could be summoned.

Jeanne d'Arc. Marie Antoinette. Atalante. Vlad Tepes. Saint Martha. Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart. All of them had been summoned here, to Chaldea, answering Ritsuka's call to undo the Incineration of Humanity. Some she knew deeply, others she had heard the name, and others she had never knew existed before meeting them in Orleans. And now, she was master to all of them.

She flopped back on her bed, rubbing her temples as she tried, yet again, to absorb all the information on these new Servants. Names and histories and Noble Phantasms and paramaters and skills... eugh. Too many things to know, all too quickly. She'd signed up on a whim, managed to squeak in as number 48 of 48, and then...

Fire. Panic. Mash, half-crushed under rubble. A hand held. A contract forged. The only two in the command room to escape alive, and only by literally fleeing into the past.

Ritsuka closed her eyes tight and shook her head, trying to clean out those thoughts, as she lifted the tablet back in front of her face to review the Servants. Carmilla. Gilles de Rais, both Caster and Saber incarnations. She scrolled through the summaries. More detailed review could wait until-

She paused, then scrolled back up. Chevalier d'Eon. Height, 157 centimeters. Source, confirmed history. Gender...

Gender was blank.

She thought back, to the moment Chevalier d'Eon stepped out of the summoning circle. They were rather androgynous, yes - difficult to pin down as either male or female. Much of the information in these new Servant summaries seemed to be automatically generated - filled in from Chaldea's records, or simple visual observations. And sometimes the records were wrong - all the records pointed to King Arthur having been a man, and yet Artoria Pendragon, very much a woman, roamed the halls of Chaldea. Two Artoria Pendragons, in fact. So perhaps the record said one thing, but the summoned Servant differed, and whoever was filling it out just could not be bothered to ask and correct it appropriately, and so had just left the space blank. Yes. Clearly something like that had happened. There was no need to, for instance, go knock on Chevalier d'Eon's door and ask them questions about their gender. Obviously, such a thing did not need to be done.

Ritsuka knocked three times on d'Eon's door, fidgeting slightly as she waited for a response. That question had gnawed at her all night, all through breakfast, and now, with Chaldea's staff focused on pinning down the next Singularity and nothing else for her to do, she had the time to ask that question. It only took about fifteen seconds, but they were a long, awkward fifteen seconds, as she thought about whether to run or to wait it out, until finally the door opened with a hydraulic hiss, and only one option was left.

"Oh! Hello, Master Fujimaru." Ritsuka internally winced - it /was/, technically, her legal name. And yet for whatever reason, she just preferred being called by her nickname, but no official documentation accepted that. She supposed she just did not like the formality of her legal name, and preferred the casual familiarity of Gudako, instead. Chevalier d'Eon gave a small, fluid motion, continuing on. "Do you have need of me?"

Ritsuka paused a little, looking over the elegant Saber. Their face straddled the line between feminine and masculine, every aspect so easy to read in either way. Their outfit, a long-tailed teal suitcoat overtop of a white undershirt and smart white pants - yet was it a feminine look on a masculine frame, or a masculine look on a feminine frame? Yes, obviously, it had to be one or the other. The question was silly, and the answer would come quickly, and she would walk away feeling the fool. That's all there was to it.

"Um... yes. I do. I just... have a couple questions for you... our archives are incomplete, and so..." Ritsuka trailed off, her words spinning about her head. Question/s/? She just had one, right? Sure, that androgynous look was impressive, but... they just wanted to know d'Eon's gender, correct?

D'Eon smiled, gesturing inside. "Of course. Come on in! I do not know if I have answers for you but I will share what I can."

Ritsuka shifted a little, before stepping into d'Eon's room. It was a standard Chaldea bedroom - nothing fancy, just a desk and a bed. Whoever had the room before d'Eon... did not need it anymore. A button was pressed next to the doorway, and the door slid shut again, before d'Eon smiled, sitting on the bed while courteously gesturing to the chair at the desk. "Please, sit down - it wouldn't do if my Master did not feel comfortable."

Awkwardly, Ritsuka pulled out the chair, turning it to face d'Eon as she sat, gathering her thoughts. Something about the elegant Saber kept her thoughts from truly settling - they turned and spun about themselves as she tried desperately to grab at them, while something gnawed at the back of her mind. She closed her eyes, taking a few deep breaths - it was a simple question! She'd ask it, get a simple answer, fill in the information, and go on with her day. It wasn't this hard!

"So, while looking at your file, I saw your gender was not listed - what should go there?" It was a simple question, there would be a simple answer, and everything would be over in -

D'Eon gave a small, dignified laugh. "Ah. I should have known that would happen - most people do not know how to understand me. Most people don't really listen."

Ritsuka paused, even her churning thoughts knocked off track by that answer. That... that sounded like it was anything but simple.

"When I was born, I confused the doctors something awful - I had certain parts, so I had to be a man, they claimed." The Saber's eyes looked off into the distance, memories clearly coming back to them. "In spite of what else I may have had, I was a man, and that was that. But as I grew up, that answer somehow felt more and more wrong. I served my country, I served my King, I became a respected spy and dragoon, but all the accolades I was given were given to a name that no longer rung true."

They... he?... laughed, a little. "Being a spy gave me reason to hide away, to secret myself into locations - and I learned very quickly that if they were seeking a man, the easiest disguise was being a woman. And that let me learn quickly how much truer that felt, to how I was, to /who/ I was." D'Eon gave another soft laugh, tinged with old bitterness, left to mellow with the years but still bearing the note of that original flavor. "You must think me as mad as a Berserker, to feel such ways about who I once was. And yet it was the truth, my Master Ritsuka."

Ritsuka stared, old repressed memories flaring up at d'Eon's words. About how her name tasted sour in her mouth. How among her friends, she had started going by her nickname instead - it sounded better, to her. Sounded truer. Memories of how being called a woman never sat quite right with her, for some reason she couldn't quite name.

She leaned forwards. "Then what did you do?"

D'Eon paused, ever so slightly caught off guard by their Master's curiosity, before moving on in their tale. "Well... I continued to serve as a spy, until I was forced from my homeland while gathering information for my King. I wished to return, but as myself. And a spy forced out of country often has... means, to get things they want." They smiled, ruefully. "I did not wish to, but... I published some of what I had learned. Not everything - I kept the worst secrets hidden away - but the King knew that if I did not get my wishes, I could release everything and ruin the country I loved. Even if I never used it, I needed my king to know what weapons I could bring against him."

"And then?"

"It was many years. But I was eventually able to return, and was able to argue in court I had been a woman since birth." They... she?... smiled at that. "I could no longer serve my country, but... I could be me, at last. Mademoiselle de Beaumont, Chevalier d'Eon." That smile turned soft, whistful, pleasant memories clearly coming back.

Ritsuka's eyes drifted off her Saber as she thought, the words churning along with her own memories - memories of words that felt wrong, of being called "miss" and "ma'am", and how the words slowly came to sting. But then a new thought emerged, and she looked up at d'Eon, a new question on her lips. "So why did you not tell us you were a woman? Why is it- why is your gender blank in our file?"

D'Eon smiled. "Because I am not." They... she? They?... d'Eon gently crossed their legs, hands resting on their knees. "To be called a man all my life stung horribly - but as time wore on, I learned that to be called a woman was only somewhat better." They smiled. "See? Mad as a Berserker. I am not a man, and yet only somewhat a woman... I am Chevalier d'Eon, somewhere in between."

Ritsuka felt a flood of old feelings welling up. About trying to be a boy online, and how that had fallen apart quickly. And yet being a girl on those old message boards had also stung - a persona had arose instead, a character that was neither boy nor girl, a thing in between. How much... how much more comfortable Gudako had been to be, instead of Fujimaru Ritsuka.

Ritsuka closed her eyes. "That... that's an option?"

Chevalier d'Eon smiled, even if their master could not see it. "It must be, for otherwise I would be one or the other."

Ritsuka gave a soft sob, tears welling up, as Chevalier d'Eon, worriedly, reached over. "Is... is something wrong?

Quietly, gently, the Saber's master shook her head, as she reached for that hand, holding it, carefully, tenderly, almost reverently.

"... for... for the first time... in too long... no. No, nothing... nothing is wrong."

And even around the tears, Gudako's eyes opened, and she smiled. "Thank... thank you, d'Eon. I don't... I don't think I truly introduced myself." She sniffled, softly, before gently rising to her feet. "My name is Gudako, and I am your Master."

D'Eon looked confused only for a second, before that soft smile returned to their face, rising up to their feet as well and giving a sharp salute. "As the Knight of the White Lily, I look forward to serving you in my fullest capacity, Master Gudako."

Gudako's smile lasted for a few more seconds, quivering at the corners, before she descended into sobs, falling forward into d'Eon's embrace as she cried into her Saber's shoulder. A delicate hand placed itself on her back, the barest hint of pressure as d'Eon kept her in their embrace, no words needed to be said as Gudako, for the first time in a very long time, was able to be.

D'Eon slowly reached up, gently touching their hand to Gudako's fiery orange hair, the mage continuing to cry into the Saber's shoulder at the freedom of simply /being/ again. Of... shaking off a mask, one she didn't even realize she was wearing. She clung to them, feeling her legs giving out, as a tension she didn't know she was holding finally slipped out of her body. Slowly, d'Eon pulled back, just a touch, to look Gudako in the eyes.

"Forgive your Servant if they are too forward in this - but my bed is more comfortable than simply standing here."

Gudako looked up, confused, before old memories surfaced again, as she abruptly pulled back, out of d'Eon's unresisting embrace. "I... I mean, you look nice, but I don't feel like /that/ about-"

D'Eon held up their hand, fingers unfurled. "I simply mean that if you would like to lay down instead of stand, that is an option. Nothing more, or less, than that, Master Gudako." They smiled - a warm, friendly smile. A caring smile. "Besides - she may be long dead, but my heart has an owner already."

Gudako wilted a little, sheepishly. "S...sorry. That just... sounded so much like a... pickup line, or something..." She rubbed at her arm, embarassed, as a gentle flush crossed d'Eon's cheeks.

"Oh. I... I suppose it did." They gave a gentle chuckle, before gesturing to the bed, inviting Gudako to lay down on it. "But still. The offer is open, if you would rather lie down."

Gudako blushed, shyly. The feeling of d'Eon's arms around her, the Saber's caring touch, was... so nice, in a way she hadn't expected. And if she laid down, then clearly that would have to stop, right?

"Can... you keep holding me, d'Eon?" she asked, softly, and the Saber smiled.

"Of course. With whatever pillows you would like, not that I have much of a collection, my Master Gudako."

Gudako blushed more, as further thoughts crossed her mind - uncomfortable thoughts, coming unbidden. "I... I thought you said your heart belonged to someone else..."

"And it does. But if my Master wishes to be held, and lie down, then even if that is all she wishes to do, I can provide that for her." D'Eon looked at Gudako, a soft quizzical quirk coming into their expression. "Do... you not embrace your friends, Master Gudako?"

The question sunk itself into Gudako's memory, pulling out more repressed pieces of her past. Of times she had held her friends, and of times that parents looking on had cooed over them - oh, they'll make such a great couple someday, oh you look like husband and wife, oh you'd be so cute together - and how horribly those words had twisted into her, and how quickly she'd pulled away from those embraces... and how distant, how sad, her life had become afterwards.

"You.. just a hug?"

A nod. "Nothing more, or less, than that. If you would like such a thing."

Tears returned to Gudako's eyes, as a chance for that contact, that closeness, presented itself again. A closeness that did not suggest more than friendship, that did not suggest romance, or sex, or... anything of the sort. A hug that could be just that, and nothing else.

"I would. I would very much." Gently, she slipped off her shoes, climbing into the bed, as D'Eon smiled, giving her space to get comfortable.

The bed was small, built for precisely one occupant. Slowly, Gudako worked her way backwards, towards the wall, opening up enough space in front of her for d'Eon to join in, before giving a hopeful look in d'Eon's direction. The Saber smiled, a small swirl of blue magic coming from the blade at their hip as it dissolved into the air, before they sat down on the edge of the bed.

A small shot of worry jumped through Gudako as that weight shifted the bed slightly, but as d'Eon's small frame leaned, rolling properly atop the mattress, the mattress shifted with them, and that fear of rolling away was instead replaced by the feeling of pressing into d'Eon's body. She hesitated, unsure where to put her arms around her Saber - where could the lower arm even /go/? - before d'Eon gave a soft chuckle, simply tugging her in against themself, placing her head softly, tenderly, against their chest.

She gasped softly at the gentle tug, the embrace, her arms still unsure - but slowly, her topside arm found its way around d'Eon's body. She gently wound that arm around d'Eon, a soft, timid motion, as a breathy sigh tickled her hair. "Mmmm... is this better, Gudako?"

"A... a little?" She paused, blushing softly. "I... I don't know what to do with my other arm..." D'Eon paused a little, before gently tugging a pillow over, propping the two of them up, opening a small channel underneath their side.

"Does this work better, my Master?"

A gentle, cursory exploration - Gudako's arm slipping in underneath d'Eon's side. It was a snug fit, but in a comfortable way. She hugged her Servant, a little awkwardly. "A... yes. Yes it does." She blushed still, resting her head against d'Eon's chest, feeling a small softness there. It was... it was comfortable. Old words twisted their way through her head, as she clung to the Saber - but a gentle hand found its way to her head, cradling against their chest.

"I'm glad to hear it, Master." They smiled, a soft voice, a friendly voice, gently resonating in their chest. Maybe... maybe it would be okay to just... relax, and enjoy this for a while. It had been so long since she was able to hold someone like this. To... be /held/ by someone, like this.

Gudako's eyes closed, her hand softly rubbing at d'Eon's back, just trying to return some of the affection the Saber gave her. "... I missed this," she mumbled, quietly, before pressing her face against them. "I missed hugs."

D'Eon's face bore a soft, sad smile, a tender hand stroking Gudako's hair as they held her close. They were protective to a fault, much of the time - and here as well, that protective nature manifested.

"We can take all the time you need today, Master. There is nothing to do but be here, if you'd like that."

Gudako did not respond verbally, but it was obvious to them both that she very much would.

Time slipped by, the silence stretching awkwardly. The affection was... nice, but as her emotions came back down, it was clear to Gudako that she still had more questions to ask. She thought, for a while, trying to piece her words together, only to be interrupted as d'Eon gently stroked the back of her head again.

"Do you have more to ask, Master Gudako?" That name again. The name that wasn't tied to her old life, to old memories, to old pain. It was a name that had a future beyond what Gudako had known so far. It felt so good to hear it coming out of their mouth.

She shifted in place a little, getting comfortable again, a leg gently hooking over d'Eon's as she sought a less awkward position. "How do you... look like that?" she asked. A ham-fisted question, but the only one that was coming to mind.

D'Eon gave a soft laugh. "It is... not so literal as this, but... when we are summoned, we are asked how we wish to appear, in a way. I chose this, or something like it. And the Throne provided." They smiled a little. "A Servant is summoned in their prime, in their peak - but other than that, they are summoned how they choose to look. Your summoning system is... a bit different from a normal Holy Grail War, but the rules are generally the same."

Gudako quietly thought, a finger gently tracing over the fabric of d'Eon's coat, softly curious as to the texture of the garment. A leg gently slipped between hers - she blushed, and d'Eon paused. "I'm sorry, my Master, was that too far?" Their face was soft, their voice gentle. Gudako fidgeted a little, before giving a shy nod. "Y...yeah, that... was a bit much." A soft smile, a gentle nod, and the leg withdrew, letting Gudako pull her legs back together as she dipped her head morosely.

D'Eon gave a quiet hmm to themself, thinking. "Perhaps if you were to turn around? Your legs could bend without having to move between mine, Master Gudako." That question gently meandered its way through Gudako's mind, as she considered - despite the small frame, there was clearly strength in d'Eon's body - hardly surprising, for a Servant of the Saber class. Those strong, gentle arms wrapped around her... it sounded... nice. Safe. She gave a small nod.

"I... I would like that."

D'Eon returned the small nod, a caring smile meeting Gudako's gaze up at them. Their arms relaxed, and Gudako gently turned, settling in against the petite Saber's front, gentle arms encircling her waist as she was gently, but caringly, pulled in close. Pulled in safe. Gudako's cheeks flushed softly, her eyes closing.

"A...are you sure this... this is okay? Just... just hugs?"

"Of course, my Master." A gentle hand brushed a lock of Gudako's hair from her cheek, the other arm holding Gudako close, warm, safe. "I would never dream of pushing you into things you would not wish for."

"Because... I keep... I keep thinking... something is supposed to follow this. Like it... it can't just be this."

"Do you want for more than this, my Master?"

Gudako lay there, a hand drifting to rest on d'Eon's, placed tenderly upon her belly.

"... No. I don't."

"Then there will be no more than this." The Saber gently pressed their face against the back of Gudako's head, giving a soft, contented sigh. "There are many people who will try to tell you the secret to happiness - but we are all different, in our own ways. And their only claim is their secret worked for them - it may very well not work for you."

Gudako gently laced her fingers with d'Eons, softly, timidly. "Then how do I find how to be happy?" she asked, quietly.

"Does this make you happy? Being here, like this?"

"... I think it does."

"Then we shall keep being here, until you know if this does."

"What if it doesn't?"

"Then we shall stop, and try something new, my Master Gudako." D'Eon adjusted their position, ever so slightly, hugging a little closer to Gudako's back. "Until we find what makes you happiest."

The Last Master of Humanity frowned, sadly, as she thought about that. "What if that takes too long? What if... what if I never get the chance to find it?"

The Saber paused, softly, giving Gudako's hand a gentle squeeze. "Would you rather stay, and be where you are, instead of seeking something perhaps better?"

Gudako wasn't sure how to answer that.

A chime cut through the moment - the cafeteria was now serving lunch. That nameless Archer from the first Singularity had settled in rather easily into the kitchen, cooking up a storm - even with Chaldea's limited range of ingredients he was capable of producing fantastic meals. Gudako took the moment and excused herself, gently disentangling from d'Eon, who offered no resistance. "Would you like me to accompany you, Master?" they asked, giving a small smile.

"O...oh, no, I'll... I'll be okay, on my own."

The Saber nodded, still softly smiling. "Au revoir, Gudako."

The door closed behind Gudako with a soft hydraulic hiss, a soft sigh escaping her lips as she made her way to the dining hall, brain still abuzz with thoughts. She didn't know everything about herself, not yet. But... there were some things, at least, that she did know. And with the distance, and the time to think, and the motion of her limbs, she was able to start pulling those thoughts together.

"Oh! Sempai!" Gudako oh!ed and smiled, turning to greet her first Servant, her kouhai, Mash Kyrielight.

"Hello, Mash-san. Heading to lunch?"

"Yes, Ritsuka-sempai. I hear the Archer is cooking up something special."

That name. With even those few minutes being called by Gudako, that name sunk like a knife into her heart. She barely knew Mash, was sure that she wouldn't understand something like that, the desire to be called a different name.

"... Sempai? Is something wrong?"

Chevalier d'Eon's words drifted back to her, as she stood there in the hall.

No. No, she would rather try, and seek something better. It was a chance, but... this, she knew, was a thing that made her happy.

"Mash-san... I... prefer being called Gudako over being called Ritsuka." Shyly, she rubbed the back of her head. "It's... a long story why, but -"

"Oh! Oh, I'm sorry, Ri- I mean, Gudako-sempai. I didn't know!" Mash looked very shocked, perhaps even a little sad, but Gudako's heart lifted at those words.

"It's okay... it's just an old nickname, but... I like it more. That's all." She smiled, softly, to herself. Even if Mash didn't get why it was so important to her, perhaps just getting /that/ it was important to her was enough. The rest could come later, if it ever needed to come at all.

Mash smiled softly, walking with her Sempai to lunch, those butterflies in her stomach still pestering her - she had to admit it to herself, she'd fallen for Ritsuka - no, Gudako, /Gudako/. She'd fallen for Gudako, and now she had to accept that. She was never the most confident with her feelings, but hopefully after long enough being close with her Sempai, she could confess.

And perhaps, she thought, confess exactly why she had been so keen on accepting that new name. After all, she'd had to change her own name too. Even if Gudako was just a preferred nickname to her Sempai, Mash knew all too well how nice it was to hear her name spoken, instead of her old name. Her dead name.

But that, perhaps, could wait.


End file.
